Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
You've been inside me, dude. There's no such thing as TMI.
Laying in bed naked is fun. I now see why guys love boobs... They're sooo bouncy! This long distance relationship is really killing my sex life.
Randomize
