The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Your the only person to come back from spring break with a non std related infection
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
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