dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
You found a girl to hook up with at a gay bar?
No. His name was Paco. I didn't get it by choice. I never had a hickey before.
like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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