i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
