im six kinds of drunk right now
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
Randomize
