just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
I have tasted many bathrooms
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