That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
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