I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
she comes in perfect pitch. hook up with more singers.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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