apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
I just want to like fall into a pit of hot wings beside a keg of yingling and eat my way to freedom
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I may or may not have just had sex in the bed of a pick-up at a drive-in movie theater.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
