My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
