if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
we were playing true or dare on a webcam chat and i was way to drunk ...i ended up having to drink my own piss outta a beer bottle, life couldnt get any worse right now
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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