Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Randomize
