On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Randomize
