You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
you inspire me to be a worse person
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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