My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
and that's how I found out my dad doesn't believe in towels... holiday magic.
homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...
so you did it...
obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Randomize
