I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Is YOLO really just a socially acceptable way to say you enjoy putting things up your nose?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
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