Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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