I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Is it rude if I ask the current tenets of our future apartment if I can come and blackout for a night? I want stupendously drunk me to get a feel for the place so he's comfortable when we move in.
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
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