Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
Randomize