I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.
I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
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