the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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