I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
Randomize
