I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
