is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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