dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
The night got way more interesting after Jimmy started doing summersaults in front of the bar.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
