She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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