I wish my penis had an off switch
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
Randomize
