Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
Randomize
