i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
I FOUND THE LEGS
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
