oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
