Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
