when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
