Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Dog. I woke up between my ex boyfriend witch i'm currently fucking and his bestfriend spooning me in MY bestfriends empty powerless house still really fucked up. No one knows what happend.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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