cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
SKIIIIIIIIIIII, trip mo foes! Let-ith the epic- ness begin ith. Heroes go forth, nAy Sayers fuckin die. This is for the good of mankind! See you on the morrow
Apologies to the number who did not expect to get this but certainly be jealous of us.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Randomize
