I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
