Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
