you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
