i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
