Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
When he's drowning in your chest and he muffles out the words 'I just want to live here' that's a compliment right?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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