i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
