Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos
We were debating whether rain water is clean enough to drink. I won when he started throwing up.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I think we did. All i know my pants smell like pong water due to the bathroom extravagansa. God I feel like a whore.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
