I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
Hungover. No words. Just memes.
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize