He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
Randomize
