I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Randomize
