would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
it was a 'fall asleep on the bathroom floor after puking bc the cold tile is legit more comfortable than your bed' kind of night.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Randomize
