I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Randomize
