I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
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