i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
i think blowjobs on the first date are perfectly acceptable. as long as you dont go dick to mouth.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
