well I can't set my house on fire every night
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
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