There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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