Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I look better un-naked...
Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
at first i said "no rollerblading if I'm going to be drunk," but we all know how that went
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
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