Why are you such a perv today?
This is a lot to handle
Oh shh
I'm kidding you prude take a joke
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Randomize