My mind said no, but my drink said yes.
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He thought I was flirting with him but really I just needed someone to hold me up.
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
