im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
