i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
Randomize
